galaxies collide and i cry at movies

My friend, jesse - who I know to be a deviant of sorts - led me to watch a clip about the Milky Way and some other galaxy colliding. After watching it all I could think about was how it's not something I can think about. Like - I do not have the ability to think of stars, which are really old light to me, intermingling with other stars. Or the possibilities of millions of life styles (literally) that would be ravaged by this cosmic occurrence. Which made me think....

Why the fuck do I give a shit about any of this dreck? If I'm a tiny being on one planet lit by one of some unthinkable number of stars with my own specific beliefs and anxieties and interests and loves then my existence is especially inconsequential. And I don't say this b/c I want anyone to say, "No you'll change the world" b/c that's not important to me anyway. But I'm just saying beyond the fact that it'll collide with another galaxy, the sheer size and science and scope of our galaxy should humble us to the point of inactivity. I don't know what to do with this thought.

I don't know what to do because sometimes, as I mentioned earlier, I am crippled with anxiety. Sometimes I am overcome with sadness listening to my Nana. Sometimes the ecstasy I feel during sex seems like it could fill 150 twin beds. I'll stop with my experience - imagine the epic tragedies of a murder in your family, broken homes from divorce, natural disasters, flu pandemics... Then there are the passions that pour out of us in times of controversies. Take the social rights movements in the last 30-40 years. I cannot fathom the hateful and hopeful energies that poured out of the Civil Rights Movement - "worlds" began and ended in this discussion.  Now? Sure it's illegal so still an issue; sure there are still huge passions directed in and around this subject. But we've moved onto other worries, i.e. gay marriage. Think of all the complications concerning these subjects, and then all the complications branching off of them, gender, race, etc. We are INCREDIBLY complicated. But - we/it/all that do(es)n't matter. I mean, right?

The problem is I don't have the capacity to think beyond my own society and to legitimately find issues like gay marriage unimportant. I cannot disengage with these things b/c I have overwhelming feelings about them. At the same time, I don't have the capacity to think about a galaxy, or a star, or light... All the things I think about yet I am still incredibly limited. I would love to see some kind of art that starts imagining new ways of being. And by "new ways" I mean making the words "new ways" inadequate.

I know this sounds trite, but in the end thinking about galaxies is legitimately an odd thing to think about. Maybe it's comedic b/c we have no other way to engage with it. Anyway - do you know about galaxies?

a more appropriate venue

While home I took advantage of my brother's swag-filled career (vested movie ticket-taker) and saw District 9, the v. hyped film about aliens, etc. Much to the chagrin of my Twitter Followers I tweeted my (constant) thoughts due to the darkness and loneliness of my life... ah, I mean movie theatre. Enjoy!!!!!:

i'm going to watch district 9 by myself for free. this is a multi-faceted decision - i'll report back.

Ill just live twitter to feel not so alone. Sorry if youre subscribed on your phone.... Free popcorn and soda and movie.7:15 PM Aug 23rd from txt

Ack! Ludajuice in a preview for a movie Ill never see. Then again.... I am here. By myself...7:18 PM Aug 23rd from txt

Ah! A sociologist explains aliens. Maybe i do have a future.7:27 PM Aug 23rd from txt

A German moustached official in S. Africa putting aliens in relocation camps. I think I get it.7:35 PM Aug 23rd from txt

Apparently aliens know how to cook meth.7:45 PM Aug 23rd from txt

By bringing attention to the apartheid the movie makes Africans look violent and unruly. Not new for Hollywood.8:00 PM Aug 23rd from txt

And then theres sores. AIDS.8:25 PM Aug 23rd from txt

I'm stressed out. I wouldn't feel bad for me either.8:37 PM Aug 23rd from txt

Nigerians need witchdoctors and subtitles. Apparently. I'm ready to be a film vegetarian. No blood.8:52 PM Aug 23rd from txt

Go go gadget alien robot.9:00 PM Aug 23rd from txt

And cue nightmares. Am I going to turn around to aliens?9:09 PM Aug 23rd from txt

Radio scared me on the way home... Even Britney! Anything w/ -izer sounds alien. So I took solace in country music. Explains a lot.9:23 PM Aug 23rd from txt

lessons learned: loneliness=excessive tweeting, aliens increase my desire to be an anthropologist, hollywood still can't do social justice.9:39 PM Aug 23rd from web

@partiegrl um, it sort of stated the facts abt humanity w/ lots of blood, guts, etc. and it did make me think abt the chaos of modernity...10:15 PM Aug 23rd from web

@partiegrl so it had its merits. but all in all, it was a very hollywood way of saying things a pastor might discuss in a sunday sermon.10:16 PM Aug 23rd from web

never without it

My foiree into blogging: Yikes. Why public? Why the internet? What do I have to contribute which would mandate a blog? I don't know but it feels right - which is more than I can say about a lot of things in this life. I'll ride the wave until the ordinariness of being a blogger sets in. Or perhaps I'll be a self-ordained memoirist. Hah.

I have panic attacks. Probably clinical ones, though I have yet to see a doctor about them beyond the admitting their existence by x-ing the box on a form. Currently, I'm resisting the desire to change the subject of this blog at the expense of honesty because I fear I'm stereotyping myself. For some reason I assume panic attacks/hyperventilating requires the sufferer to don pocket protectors and thick glasses. One of those characteristics are truetolife, but this is besides the point. I can't be too ashamed nor surprised as I was born into a family with an extensive history of mental illness. Neither can I feel bashful about the circumstances in which they occur: I've had them because of awful collegiate experiences of discrimination based on my religious beliefs (or lack there of), because of past emotional and sexual abuse, and because of a filled-to-the-brim-w/-unknowns trip to Africa. Legitimate times of stress. But now these comfortable excuses may be for naught: I'm having anxiety attacks due to adulthood.

I'm moving into a new apartment, starting new jobs, and getting used to a new-ish friend group. There are other circumstances that would incur higher levels of stress - family's financial trouble, big and disappointing changes in my plans, and dear friendlies dealing with big life crises. This is not to delineate my feelings because the circumstances are legitimate, but I guess by writing them down I'm realizing a perspective. Looking at these instances will assuredly modify my vantage point as I delve into a new life, but should it shake the forevers to which I've already subscribed? Should it transform Adventure into Impossibility? Should it give me sleepless nights and take away my breath?

Perhaps my age/generation-old anxiety is robbing me of my chance to discover a nuanced life experience. Yea, it's going to be scary. If healthy mothers can seize unexpectedly, the sweetest things can be violated, and Wyoming towns can be terrorized, I cannot hide behind ordinarines to avoid harsh realities. That's not something I want to do anyway. But perhaps this blogging thing, this memoir-ing thing, will give me a chance to engage fairly and honestly w/ those earthly injustices. "I wear them, they won't wear me" kindofathing. Beyond having astute things to say, analyzing the scary stuff helps me keep it all at arms length.

So, I guess I answered my question. I'm turning to the Internet to evaluate, synthesize, and avoid meltdowns. I mean, I already desperately search for things like G. Keiller's meditations. Of course I don't intend to rival them, but perhaps I'll uncover the young wisdom I already possess as a method of calming myself (if that's not too presumptuous to say). For now:

"As Christopher Robin said to Pooh, 'Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think'." - A.A. Milne

"Life is good, no matter the disappointments -- O God the disappointments. Just square your shoulders and give them your utter best. As the late great Marilyn Monroe said, "I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful." Life is insurmountable, but we mount up every morning and ride forward. Thanks for being wonderful, dear heart." - G. Keiller